Growing Pains

My oldest child is turning 8 next week and my heart has been aching a bit. I cannot believe that almost 9 years have passed since he came into my life beginning with a light pink line on a little white stick. My youngest is five and I see him rapidly becoming more mature and independent.  It is a beautiful thing seeing my children grow, learn, and develop more and more into their own little selves. But, with all of the growth, we leave some things behind. I heard a newborn cry this morning and I felt a familiar yearning for my babies. The tiny toes, the sweet smell, the tiny body cuddled on my chest, gently napping. Thousands of beautiful, lovely baby, toddler, and preschooler things that bring tears as I recall them.

I have been experiencing some heartache and angst as I wonder how I will survive life without little feet, sweet giggles, and ever-present cuddles in my home. What will I do without the boo-boos to heal, the tummies to fill, and the dispensing of bedtime stories and kisses? I feel unable to see how I will continue breathing without little ones filling my days with chaos, joy, and mess. In moments like this one, the feelings are overwhelming because they are primarily guided by what MAY be different and how I MAY feel. I can lose perspective in those moments because I am swallowed by what will be different and my lack knowledge of what will be.

I remember feeling similarly when contemplating no longer being pregnant. And again when facing the reality of no longer having a baby, then no longer having a toddler. The feeling that I would be losing too much goodness. Thankfully, I have been shown time and time again that there is enough in every stage.  Enough love, enough laughter, enough connection. Enough of everything I need. It is hard believe because there is so much preciousness in my life with my almost 8 and 5 year olds. How could I ever feel so much love again? But I have to believe I will. For this moment (then the next one, then the next, and so on), I will trust in the sacred wisdom that tells us there is always enough…and because of this truth I do not have to cling to what I have. Letting go allows me to live more fully in the now. Now I’m off to read Harry Potter with Mr. 8. Life is so very, very good.

I know that my feelings and thoughts are shared by many moms and I think we need to talk about it more. Please share your experiences so we can rest in the comfort of one anothers’ wisdom and experience.

Peace for all,

Shea