The Therapy of Pen and Paper

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a method that uses mindfulness and acceptance to help people change their behavior…pretty much what you’d imagine from the title. One important aspect is understanding that pain comes in two basic forms. When we ask someone about their pain, the first kind is the type that usually comes to mind because it’s easier to identify. Examples of the first kind of pain include the fear of losing someone we love, the self-doubt we have about our performance in our jobs, family roles, and in social situations, the anger at our spouse for not doing what we want them to do, the thoughts that we are not skinny enough, smart enough, successful enough, etc.

But, these things can also lead to an additional kind of pain. The pain of experiences, joys and connections we miss out on because of the first pain. For example, a person who experiences social anxiety not only experiences the “in the moment” pain of the anxiety, but also the pain of missing out on life experiences because of that anxiety.

I believe looking closely at both types of pain in our lives can be a useful tool for this important reason:

Understanding how our original pain is compounded by the loss of experiences paints a clear picture of how our beliefs get in the way of the things we want most in life.  

I recently learned about a therapeutic activity that can help us understand the impact our pain has on our overall lives and it involves two simple tools…a pen and paper. The first step is to make a personal suffering list that includes the ways you experience discomfort in the world, such as anxiety, shame, anger. After making this list, you write what you would be doing if these things were not in your life. I found it helpful to understand how my initial pains and anxieties often result in even more pain when I miss out on things that I would truly value and enjoy.

For example, in my own life I experience much discomfort from an underlying belief that I am only safe in the world if everyone thinks that I am “good.”  Because of this pain, I often put impossible expectations on myself which result in feeling exhausted and overwhelmed from trying to do everything I think is necessary for me to be a “good” person. I need to be a great parent, wife, therapist, householder, child, friend, decorator, etc. Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and inadequate is the first type of pain that I experience. It often leaves me too tired (both physically and emotionally) to go out and do the things I enjoy in my life, such as spending time with friends and family. Instead of experiencing more peace and fun in my life, I find myself bogged down in thoughts of what I should be doing or what I am not doing well.

Not fun and such a waste of time and energy! Sometimes in seeing the words written down on paper, it becomes more obvious to us which things are worth trading away. And, swapping the things I love most in life for appearing “good” to others (who probably aren’t noticing anyway!) seems like a pretty lousy deal.

So give this pen and paper plan a try, and let me know what you find! Let’s take a small step toward accepting ourselves together.

Love and light-

Shea